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Aw so thats what the bottom feels like...kinda sharp   
10:40pm 11/12/2005
mood: depressed
So I planned on showing up to a friends B-day party but had to make a showing at another house party. Everything was planned down to the wire. Had my driver, had my schedule and had a bottle of Pravda in hand. Anyone who knows me can probably attest thatalchohol, schedules and myself dont mix at all.
During the course of the first party my driver pulls me to the side to tell me that this chick wanted me, he often has to do that since I have an iq of Terri Shaivo wwhen it comes to whether a chick is mackin on me.
Well the girl was cute and all but i was not really feelin her.
A bit later, and 4 more drinks, another associate of mine shows up and we start shootin about some girls which of course leads to more perverse conversations than the audio exerpt about Clark Kents porno days.
-only a shot of Vodka is left in my bottle-
I pop the shot and hit the head. This chick rolls in and drops to her knees, good thing I had already finished draining. Bodies start showing all over the place to watch, and I have no idea what the fuck is happening.
As the whole thing is going down my driver tells me the sit. That ass of an assoc of mine got the chick to think I'd fuck her in a 3 way but not on my own.
So to avoid the whole blow by suck n fuck... 6 hours and 4 or 5 rubbers later I look at my watch and realize 3 things, my drivers goen, I have to crash there for the night, and exactly what I had done.
Now i know a typical man would be jumping for joy at pounding, rounding and downing some chick like Peter north in a Czech porn but I was far from happy. Fuck, I didnt even wanna look in the mirror.
The gold that rose from this corpse was the realization that although I was this man once I cannot be him again.
I would rather spend the rest of my life as a celibate hermit than ever have another one nighter.
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11:25pm 26/11/2005
  It is a simple fact that, there is only so much time in which you can deny who you truly are. The only problem with this concept occurs when you become simultaneously torn and drawn to 2 modes. For a time I was, for lack of a better phrase, a whore and then I became a saint. Now it all has become a blurred vision of dualistic conflict and fusion.
I dont care if I am a good man or an evil man I only care that i know what i am and i have no idea anymore.
05:34pm 22/11/2005
  Spent years fighting back the darkness and urges.
Now I spend my time fighting back the gold that holds back the urges.
Funny how things work out.
02:06am 19/11/2005
  I always love those moments when you wake up and say "holy shit, when did my perspectives change."
Havent posted her in ages, everything is different and new, well in some aspects old.
No Jealous, no insecurity, just fun sex and knowledge.
Its kind of funny that I was rumored to be a swinger in the past when I was adamantly opposed to sleeping to more than one person a month...
Too much to mention, too drunk to care
03:10pm 21/04/2005
01:14pm 18/03/2005
  I have decided to get rid of some stuff that just takes up space these days in my apartment. The items include cd's and a six foot tall black and white Skinny Puppy poster of Ogre covered in blood holding a microphone.
Will post more details later...
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05:22pm 04/02/2005

"Only God Can Judge Me"
(feat. Rappin 4-Tay)

[Intro: 2Pac]

Only God can judge me, is that right?
[synth voice] Only God can judge me now
Only God baby, nobody else, nobody else
All you other motherfuckers get out my business

[Verse One: 2Pac]

Perhaps I was blind to the facts, stabbed in the back
I couldn't trust my own homies just a bunch a dirty rats
Will I, succeed, paranoid from the weed
And hocus pocus try to focus but I can't see
And in my mind I'ma blind man doin time
Look to my future cause my past, is all behind me
Is it a crime, to fight, for what is mine?
Everybody's dyin tell me what's the use of tryin
I've been Trapped since birth, cautious, cause I'm cursed
And fantasies of my family, in a hearse
And they say it's the white man I should fear
But, it's my own kind doin all the killin here
I can't lie, ain't no love for the other side
Jealousy inside, make em wish I died
Oh my Lord, tell me what I'm livin for
Everybody's droppin got me knockin on heaven's door
And all my memories, of seein brothers bleed
And everybody grieves, but still nobody sees
Recollect your thoughts don't get caught up in the mix
Cause the media is full of dirty tricks
Only God can judge me

[Chorus: 2Pac]

[synth voice] Only God can judge me
That's right baby, yeah baby
[synth voice] Only God
[synth + Pac] Only God can judge me, only God can judge
[synth cont.] me, only God
Only God can judge me
[synth + Pac] Only God can judge me
And only God can
[synth voice] Only God can judge me, only God
Only God can judge me
[synth + Pac] Only God can judge me
Only God can judge me
[synth voice] Only God can judge me, only God
Only God can judge me
[synth voice] Only God can judge me now

[heart monitor: long beep]

[Verse Two: 2Pac]

I hear the doctor standing over me [heart monitor: beeping slowly]
screamin I can make it
Got a body full of bullet holes layin here naked
Still I, can't breathe, somethings evil in my IV
Cause everytime I breathe, I think they killin me [beeping sound stops]
I'm having nightmares, homicidal fantansies
I wake up stranglin, danglin my bed sheets
I call the nurse cause it hurts, to reminisce
How did it come to this? I wish they didn't miss
Somebody help me, tell me where to go from here
Cause even Thugs cry, but do the Lord care?
Try to remember, but it hurts
I'm walkin through the cemetary talkin to the, dirt
I'd rather die like a man, than live like a coward
There's a ghetto up in Heaven and it's ours, Black Power
is what we scream as we dream in a paranoid state
And our fate, is a lifetime of hate
Dear Mama, can you save me? And fuck peace
Cause the streets got our babies, we gotta eat
No more hesitation each and every black male's trapped
And they wonder why we suicidal runnin round strapped
Mista, Po-lice, please try to see that it's
a million motherfuckers stressin just like me
Only God can judge me

[Chorus w/ variations]

[Interlude: 2Pac]

That which does not kill me can only make me stronger
(That's for real)
and I don't see why everybody feel as though
that they gotta tell me how to live my life
(You know?)
Let me live baby, let me live

[Verse Three: Rappin 4-Tay, Tupac]

Pac I feel ya, keep servin it on the reala
For instance say a playa hatin mark is out to kill ya
Would you be wrong, for buckin a nigga to the pavement?
He gon' get me first, if I don't get him fool start prayin
Ain't no such thing as self-defense in the court of law
So judge us when we get to where we're goin wearin a cross, that's real
Got him, lurked him, crept the fuck up on him
Sold a half a million tapes now everybody want him
After talkin behind my back like a bitch would
Tellin them niggaz, "You can fade him," punk I wish you would
It be them same motherfuckers in your face that'll rush up in your place
to get your safe, knowin you on that paper chase
Grass, glass, big screen and leather couch
My new shit is so fetti already sold a key of ounce
Bitch, remember Tupac and 4-Tay
Them same two brothers dodgin bullets representin the Bay
Pac when you was locked down, that's when I'll be around
Start climbing up the charts, so sick, but they tried to clown
That's why they ride the bandwagon still be draggin sellin lies
Don't think I don't see you haters, I know you all in disguise

Guess you figure you know me cause I'm a Thug
That love to hit the late night club, drink then buzz
Been livin lavish like a player all day
Now I'm bout to floss em off, player shit with 4-Tay
Only God can judge me

[Chorus w/ variations]

[4Tay] Only God main
[2Pac] That right?
[4Tay] That's real
[2Pac] Hahahahahaha
[4Tay] Fuck everybody else, yaknowhatI'msayin?
[2Pac] Man, look here man
My only fear of death is comin back to this bitch reincarnated
That's for the homey mental
We up out

[Chorus w/out 2Pac continues to fade]
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10:33am 22/01/2005
  I know I might be the only one that thinks this but...
Wearing a sports Jersey with an athletes name on it is kind of queer.
Its kind of funny that the people who usually wear them are "manly" men.
08:58am 22/12/2004
  Your sorry eyes cut through the bone
They make it hard to leave you alone
Leave you here wearing your wounds
Waving your guns at somebody new

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

There's too many people you used to know
They see you coming they see you go
They know your secrets and you know theirs
This town is crazy; nobody cares

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause

There's a place where you are going
You ain't never been before
No one left to watch your back now
No one standing at your door
That's what you thought love was for

Baby you're lost
Baby you're lost
Baby you're a lost cause

I'm tired of fighting
I'm tired of fighting
Fighting for a lost cause
04:48pm 16/12/2004
  I no longer wear band shirts so if anyone wants a "Nurse With Wound" or "Chris and Cosey" shirt drop me a line.  
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12:22pm 15/12/2004
  Attempts to be a saint are unfulfilling, never have enjoyed the lack of vice.  
12:53pm 13/12/2004
  Rules for Surviving (well the ones followed for long gone past lives).
1) Deny, Deny, Deny.
2) Creating easily disputable rumors about yourself* are rather effective in helping dismiss messy situations that may come to light, just ask the government. *Warning-If not done correctly can become quite a problem.
3) Believe in your own righteousness.
4) Never let your pride get the best of you.
5) Pleading Ignorance and downplaying your own intelligence can easily assist in gaining you the upper hand.
6) Know when to give up the game...
I know a few people who may wish to adopt rules akin to these into their lives...

Although I no longer follow those ideas I must concede that I was never the most adept at number 4 which usually led to my inability to follow rule 6. Of all the "deadly sins" I believe pride has always been my true Achilles heel (Lust comes in at 2nd).
11:10am 06/12/2004
  I don’t know why but I was thinking about some events that occurred when I was a kid and realized that my first truly vivid memory was from when I was 10 or 11. Its kind of weird that I don’t really remember much before that and there are large gaps afterwards, shit I don’t even remember the names of most of my childhood friends and quite a few HS and College friends.
Back to the memory...During the time of this memory my family was stationed on a military base and had just left a meeting at the local church which involved my being permanently expelled from all bible school classes(I don’t remember why)...Well we ended up at the supermarket/Gym/banking/library complex where some festival was occurring. Being typical bratty children my sister and I were too self-absorbed to realize that our mother was talking to some guy in a language we didn’t understand. Eventually we started to pay attention and heard her say in English that she was sorry her German was so bad but she hadn’t spoken it in a long time...Later that night my sister and I asked our parents how my mother knew German and my father proudly told us she was German. I will never forget that look of uncertainty, and possibly even shame, in her eyes when he said it.
Although my siblings and I were raised with some aspects of German culture while growing up, we were never truly privy to our heritage until our early to mid teens and even then it was only sparingly.
All of that has of course changed now since my mother is fiercely proud of being German, but I think that is why I detest enforced cultural abandonment and those who are ashamed of their heritage.
Don’t get me wrong I am not a proponent of nationalism or xenophobia nor am I against detesting a country I am only speaking of heritage. I know some will say that country of origin and heritage are synonymous but they are not, just look at Creole vs. Bostonian and you will see vastly different cultures and heritage within one country.
Whatever happened to that brilliant pseudo melting pot idea of sharing welcoming different cultures and learning diversity? Why did we allow it to be replaced by separatism, Xenophobia, self loathing and the assimilation of people and not their cultures...? Ah fuck it I am rambling again.
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I loved this post   
01:31pm 02/12/2004
  Making of "Farm Boy Fant-assy" Audio Excerpt.
File #87634 June 8, 1983 12:22-12:12:25pm

Starring:Lusty Lea, Ron Jeremy, Long Dong John, Little Fanny, and introducing Clark Kent (aka Clark Carnal)
Directed by Pete the Prick Peterson

Peterson:Ok Scene 26 take 9, and Action
Lea:Yeah baby you know I like it like that. Oh You farm boys sure do know how to hit it.
*Rythmic Bed Creaking and slow moans*
(Jeremy:This kid may actually have something. Boys Got Stamina.
John:Yeah But the Fuck keeps screwing up his lines lets hope he doesnt call her Martha, Lana, or Lex like the other 8 takes. Well at least he hasnt blown it yet.)

Peterson:Ok Kid turn her over and start going fast-yeah like that.
Lea:Oh Fuck Oh Fuck Yeah-Hit that ass-Grind It Baby Grind It
Kent:Yeah you know you like it. Shit Im getting Close.
Lea:Harder baby Harder. Fuck Me I'm Cuming Dammit Im Cuming.
*Skin Slapping and Bed Shaking Rapidly Screams*
(Jeremy:Holy Shit that boy is Pumping-My eyes are even starting to blur. Damn I need to get back in Shape the Shit is making me look bad
John:Yeah Tell Me about it At least the kids gonna screw up, they always do on their first shoot. Shit I forgot to pull on my first..)

Lea:Yeah Yeah
Kent:Im Im Im.....
*Loud Gushing noise and cracking*

Peterson:Holy Shit What the Fuck
Jeremy: Her fucking head what happened (vomiting)
John:He blew her fucking head off but that cant be oh god
The Horror the Horror

-Yeah so I'm bored-
11:32am 02/12/2004
  So I was thinking about the name Raven and well I came to an interesting realization about how fitting names can be. We all know the folk lore of Ravens being harrowers of death and all that jazz but the reason is because they commonly eat carrion like vultures. Ravens are commonly located in country and rural areas which occasionally also have buzzards. In modern times one of the most common locales for a buzzards and Raven to find sustenance in the form of carrion is on the road (i.e. road kill). If you take those facts and add human traits to the name you will come to the realization that the name Raven is almost always befitting those who take on the name.
For those who do not follow what I am saying, here is the simple explanation, Raven is a very fitting name for the blue black hair dyed red-necks whom have adopted said name.
I can only hope that the “Ravens” of the world can resist the ways of there kin and name sakes and leave the road kill be.
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09:55am 18/11/2004

Imagine there's no heaven,
It's easy if you try,
No hell below us,
Above us only sky,
Imagine all the people
living for today...

Imagine there's no countries,
It isnt hard to do,
Nothing to kill or die for,
No religion too,
Imagine all the people
living life in peace...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.

(Imagine all the people sharing all the world)

Imagine no possesions,
I wonder if you can,
No need for greed or hunger,
A brotherhood of man,
Imagine all the people
Sharing all the world...

You may say Im a dreamer,
but Im not the only one,
I hope some day you'll join us,
And the world will live as one.
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12:58pm 16/11/2004
mood: apathetic
Well it seems a second great man has passed away this month
10:08am 03/11/2004
  AA, NA and all of those 12 step programs speak of something along the lines of accepting that which you cannot change and changing what you can. I know that the language is wrong and I could be mistaken as to whether or not that is a tenet of those groups but it is a philosophy that I am taking on.
I may not be able to change the election or my past but there are so many things that I can change for the better in my own life. Its time to grow, time for happiness and optimism. I want to look on the bright side of life(cue the guys on the crosses), to smile, to laugh heartily, not run through my life apathetic, angst ridden and sarcastic.
Being a pessimist may in fact prevent disappointment, but it forbids true happiness. I dont want to live that way anymore, and today I start digging myself out of that existence.
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Since today is election day   
09:03am 02/11/2004
  1)Israel/Palestine-Pro Palestinian
2)Gay marriage and rights- I am a 100% supporter of gay rights, homosexuality is completely natural and in my opinion is one of natures many forms of population control.
3)Right to die-Free kevorkian!
4)Abortion- I am a guy so my opinion doesnt matter on this subject but I favor legal abortion but oppose 3rd trimester abortions unless there is a medical necessity.
5)Civil rights-I am naive enough to dream of a day of pure and total equal rights.
6)Hate crime legislation-I support HC legislation and believe it should include sexual orientation religion and all ethnicities. It is quite sad that we need such legislation since all "humanity" originated from the same place 160,000 years ago and have just taken on attributes to adapt to various locales. Oh well humanity is just stuck in a larval stage....
7)Death penalty-The death penalty is no longer, if it ever was, a deterrent and is actually much more expensive than life in prison so take a wild guess.
8)Gambling, Prostitution and Pot-I say legalize, regulate and tax the shit out of em.
Ah I am to lazy to say anymore..........
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09:12am 01/11/2004
  The loss of confidence really fucking annoys me.
At one time I had so much confidence, hell I was quite close to being arrogant. I dont really know what happened to it, I have theories but nothing 100%.
I really need to change some things in my life and the 1st thing on my list is rebuilding previous mentioned issue. Not sure how you do such a thing but its something that must be done.